Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
