apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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