wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
