she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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