Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
