Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
