He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
