Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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