Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
