we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
