i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
