I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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