bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
