Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
