Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Randomize
