Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
