Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
