Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Just invented taco cereal.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
