According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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