I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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