Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
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