I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
