Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
