My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
