I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
