i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
