nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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