i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Randomize
