I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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