I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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