I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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