My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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