Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
