the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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