I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
