def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
