Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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