wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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