she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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