If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
