I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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