now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
