I'm going to rape someone's good day.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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