I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
