Taylor Swift is so right about you.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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