i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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