Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
