I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
