Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
That accounts for only three of the penises
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
