Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
