My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize