I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
