I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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