Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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