What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
