i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize