literally had 100 drinks last night.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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