One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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