apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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